Now and then, a little tension in a relationship is healthy.
In raising five kids, I can tell you that even the closest siblings have disagreements. As annoying as these conflicts can be, I’d rather see them angry with each other than bending over backward to try to keep each other happy. That’s not real relationship. Relationships need honesty, even if it gets uncomfortable.
This principle applies to relationships at work as well. While I’m not saying that it’s necessary or even a good idea to bare your soul to your coworkers, the reality is that you need to have good relationships with the people you work with. And learning how to navigate conflict is a part of every healthy relationship.
We can tend to think that we need to be “nice” all the time to have good relationships. We think that having disagreements and showing anger are counterproductive, but these are actually a good thing. If someone treats you with disrespect, you need to put up a boundary, and you may even need to communicate it with controlled anger. Defending your boundaries is healthy, assuming we’re talking about a legitimate boundary and you aren’t just trying to shut someone down using anger so you can get your way.
If you’re unsure what it means to have healthy boundaries, the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a great resource.
None of us are perfect in our relationships. We can tend to get manipulative to get our way, so we have to catch ourselves. And since all of us deal with this tendency, you’re going to need to put up boundaries and enforce them in your relationships. Through it all, the most important thing to remember is you don’t need to keep everyone happy all the time.
“Nice” is people-pleasing. It dances around the issues and avoids conflict. But in your relationships, you need to find healthy ways to communicate how you feel; this provides a consequence for inappropriate actions. If you allow someone to keep crossing your boundaries, you’re enabling them to mistreat you. Over time you may become so beaten down and defeated that you need help to stand up for yourself.
If a coworker crosses your boundaries, find a way to tell them. Talk with them. Try to work it out. Get help from someone you trust if you need it, but be willing to let things get uncomfortable because it’s worth it for the reward of developing healthy, productive relationships at work.
Leon Fontaine is internationally renowned for his ability to equip people with skills for life. He is the CEO of Miracle Channel and senior pastor of Springs, a contemporary church with six campuses across Western Canada. Visit www.leonfontaine.com for more great articles as well as weekly videos and podcasts. Email your comments to [email protected].
