I am placing a cornerstone in Jerusalem, chosen for great honor, and anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced. 1 Peter 2:6 (NLT)
Guilt and shame are not the same. If you feel guilty after hurting someone it’s a feeling that stems from your conscience. It alerts you when you know you’ve done wrong, and it helps motivate you to do better next time.
Shame is different. If guilt says, “I did something wrong,” then shame says, “I am wrong.” Shame disconnects you from God because it makes you feel unlovable, unacceptable, and unforgivable. As a result, you don’t feel like you can go to God for help and strength.
Religion often uses shame to try to control people’s behaviour. They make condemning comments with the best of intentions, hoping to inspire change in others. Unfortunately, these comments have the opposite effect. When we shame people, we make them feel flawed at the core, and they actually become less likely to rise above the habit or behaviour.
For example, calling a child a “bad boy” shames him. It’s a statement about who he is, and it makes him more likely to reoffend. After all, if he’s a “bad boy,” he must do bad things, right?
On the other hand, if you explain that he’s a good boy who did something bad, you get a different result. He doesn’t learn to define himself by his behaviour.
Never allow guilt to turn into shame. Remember that your choices and actions don’t define you. If you’ve begun a relationship with Jesus, you are defined by that relationship, not by your actions. You are a child of God (John 1:12), “God’s very own possession” (1 Peter 2:9), and you are a friend of Jesus (John 15:15).